you’ve probably gathered by now that i like lists. and things that are color coded. and uncluttered. i crave order. i have no idea why this is. but my mom says it’s always been the case.
i remember one time i set up my shared room for a complete ordered routine for my sister and me. {i did not check with her on whether she actually wanted this. she was 4.} i had this whole vision of a perfectly planned out morning. and it was summer! get up. make our bed. go to the dresser and brush our hair {mind you, i can’t remember a single time my sister let anyone do her hair}. choose our clothes. brush our teeth. everything was set up to flow perfectly from one task to the next. i remember showing my mom and she did the mom thing. nodding along as i talked, all the while knowing this was never going to catch on. but i just loved the thought of it, even then. order.
these days, order is more likely to mean my to do list is mostly checked off. objects have a place. things are running smoothly. i am remembering everything. and the kids are doing at least five of the million things we’ve tried to teach them.
i don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting order. it allows my soul to breathe. but i think i’ve fallen into a pattern where too often i mistake order for peace.
i have a running list of Bible verses on my phone, categorized by topic. {and color coded. it’s a problem.} this morning, i was reviewing my list of verses in the anxiety :: peace, courage, trust category. anxiety, for a host of unreasonable reasons, is a daily struggle for me. i am always looking for verses i might repeat to myself when my anxiety runs high.
this verse from john stood out to me, but not for the normal reasons. typically, i dwell on the first line of this verse about peace. and i wonder how i can obtain this peace because it seems to elude me every day. peace, in my mind, is always going to arrive just after i finish that one more thing.
this morning, i was drawn to the part in this verse that says, Not as the world gives do I give it to you. i kept reading it over and over, trying to digest it’s meaning.
peace. but not as the world gives it.
peace. not from order. clean counter tops. not from well-behaved kids. not from items checked off the to-do list. not from feeling like everything is running the way i think it should. not from a healthy dinner on the table or sleeping babies. not from any of the usual ways i’ve been looking for peace.
i needed this reminder this morning. this reminder that the peace jesus offers is possible amidst and in spite of life and daily tasks that seem far from peaceful. peace doesn’t have to wait until that one more thing is done.
today, my goal is to remember this on my most seemingly unpeaceful moment. perhaps you’d like to join me.
