how’s your new year’s resolution going? if you’re anything like me, you’ve kind of already forgotten last week was the start of the new year. new year’s resolution? did i make one of those? it’s easy to forget.
i don't typically make new year's resolutions. honestly, i am terrible under pressure. i don't study well under pressure. i don't write well under pressure. i don't clean well under pressure. i cannot win things under pressure. if i tell myself in the morning i am not going to get healthy and not eat chocolate all day, i eat more chocolate all day than i ever do, just because of the pressure. and resolutions feel like pressure. but you know what? i made one this year. i was inspired by a conversation with some of my closest friends to make a resolution to just "be." you can read more about the thought process behind my resolution here. and if i was going to put this kind of pressure on myself, i decided i might as well write about it.
just be-ing has proven to be a resolution that is both simple and challenging at the same time. it is simple because i don’t have to wake up early to be. i don’t have to give anything up to be. just be-ing doesn’t require me to step on a scale, change my routine, spend any money, or really do anything above and beyond what i already do. i could really be pretty lazy about this whole resolution. except that wouldn’t help. this is more of a mental resolution. i am trying to quiet my mind. i am very good at second guessing decisions i made earlier, and at the same time feeling anxietal about the way the rest of the day or week will go. often, this takes away from the moment i am in. maybe you feel this same push and pull on your be-ing.
last week, as i practiced just be-ing, i learned a few things. for example, mondays. monday mornings are usually frantic, mostly in my head. you too?
on monday morning i am thinking of everything i need to get done in the day and everything i need to get done in the week. suddenly it feels like it all needs to be done right then. in walks anxiety and a little bit of dread. sound familiar? in an instant, i forget i have all day to complete my to do list, all week even. the overwhelmed feeling sets in and i don’t even know where to start. “be” i whisper to myself. i calm down for a minute but then the thoughts race again because how can i just be when so much needs to be done. here’s what i learned.
sometimes be means i need to be patient. not with myself. not with my kids. not with my husband. with my day. i need to be patient with my day. i need to let the day unfold and give myself time to do all the things in my head. i need to give God time to work in my day before i’ve filled it with worry about what is to come and whether i will be perfect at it.
“He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” colossians 1:17
be patient. this is not easy. i have to remind myself all day. like just now. as i was putting one of my nephews down for a nap my mind was thinking:
- what are the other kids up to downstairs? did i properly secure the gate? did i miss any small toys?
- is something wrong with E’s fish? why is he floating like that?
- shoot. i forgot to switch the laundry.
- after this i need to put O down for a nap, and then feed K and put her down. i need to pick up E from soccer so i have to figure out how to make that happen once the twins are awake and K is asleep. how will that work? i hope i’m not late.
- really, what does my hair look like right now. i don’t even want to know.
- was that the door? is the plumber finally here?
- i need to run to the vitamin shop after the twins leave so i need to start dinner now. should i even go to the vitamin shop? the roads are bad. maybe i shouldn’t go. should i go?
all of those thoughts in a matter of seconds! its ridiculous in my head sometimes. i reminded myself, “be patient. look at this sweet, sleepy baby and focus on this moment. give the day time to work itself out.”
new year’s resolutions are not easy. oh the pressure. but this one feels like it is good. like it was meant for me. like i really do need it. whispering "be" to myself is pretty simple. the tricky part is changing old thought patterns. maybe this is a challenge you share. come along with me on this journey. happy be-ing!