how we improved our church behavior for good

 

do you dread church because you are sure everyone in the whole place can hear your kids? do you miss the whole service as you try to keep your little ones from wiggling and talking in not really whispers? trust me, i get it. we have been THERE. let me tell you, i used to put on extra deodorant on sundays and pray to the high heavens that we weren’t chased out of the place. at times, we were close.

i was at my church behavior breaking point when our kids were one and three. my husband keven was going through RCIA, the process by which you become catholic. as part of the program he left church at the halfway point each week to meet and study with his group. this left me with two toddlers by myself for the second half of mass. and it felt like running a half marathon.

our church does have a cry room. basically a room where you can still hear the mass but you can relax knowing everyone else cannot hear your kids. it’s tempting. and you might find keven in there when i am out of town. wink. but i really feel like being reverent during mass is a learning process, like everything else. and for us, it had to be learned in the church. the cry room was too distracting and didn’t give our kiddos the opportunity to witness what it looks like to be quiet and respectful.

it wasn’t easy. more often, that learning process was embarrassing or frustrating or just plain not working. for awhile, each sunday we set out for church hoping for a better week than the last. some weeks, we saw LITTLE improvement. i could totally see why people give up.

as a former teacher, i am no stranger to the behavior chart. i know that charts provide kiddos with structure, help them manage expectations, and create a way for them to check themselves on certain behaviors or tasks. mostly out of desperation, i made one for us for church. i figured it couldn’t hurt. i just had no idea how much it would actually help. i think the secret was in its simplicity.

when i made the chart i thought, what do i want from my kids at church? basically, what can i realistically expect a one and a three year old to do for an hour. my list was short:

• be quieter
• wiggle/climb less

of course, i also wanted them to pay attention, remember what the priest said, sing along with the songs, pray along with the prayers, and let me do the same for heavens sake. but charts are most successful when expectations are kept in check. all those other things would come with time. like years and years of time. bless.

with those goals in mind, this was our first chart. i split the mass into six reasonable parts and labeled them using kid-friendly language. this gave lots of chances for success. for each part of mass, there was a chance to earn a happy face for a quiet body and/or a quiet mouth. you could earn one or both, depending on your actions. then you moved on to the next section. {to illustrate success, i just drew a happy face on top of the quiet mouth and/or quiet body picture with a pen from my purse.}

before the first use, we practiced at home. this is important for success. we practiced quiet bodies and not quiet bodies. we practiced quiet voices and not quiet voices. quiet voices and quiet bodies got check marks, or stickers, or happy faces on the corresponding box {whatever you’re up for}. wiggly bodies and loud voices received nothing {or maybe an “x” if your kiddos need that visual. i found that the “x” made my kids upset which wasn’t a good thing at church. a blank box was the same consequence but with less tears}.

though both kiddos needed a behavior overhaul, the chart was really designed for E, because he was three and old enough for it to be helpful. K was only one. but she saw E use the chart, which was a great lead in for later.

quiet voice

for E, the quiet voice expectation was that his voice be no louder than a whisper. asking for complete silence was unreasonable for a three year old.

quiet body

at three years old, we didn’t ask E to stand, sit, and kneel along with the congregation yet. to earn his quiet body mark, he could choose to sit or stand, it just had to be still. no climbing, no laying, no rolling, no jumping, hanging out into the aisle, or standing on pews. we also allowed him to bring something to color {melissa and doug water wow was our favorite}. sitting and coloring was fine, even if the church was standing and singing. {this expectation has changed now that he is older.}

the first sunday we used the chart, E’s church behavior improved dramatically. i was shocked at how well it worked. and with his improved behavior, K was easier to deal with.

a little secret? i was a LITTLE more lenient during that first use. E was given more reminders about his chart. if he hopped around or talked loudly, i reminded him, that is the kind of action that will cause you to lose your smiley face. that is important too. for your child to feel like he or she CAN have success with something. if they feel like they can’t accomplish what you are asking, they won’t even try. just as important? making your expectations a LITTLE more strict the next week.

want to know what E’s reward was for smiley faces earned?

pez.

yep. those little sugary candies. one pez for every happy face, loaded into his new pez dispenser to enjoy on the way home from church. and they worked like a charm.

this was our second version of the chart. we didn’t implement the chart for K until she was about two and a half. we were still using the chart with E and by that time, his quiet body expectation had changed. he was four and a half and expected to stand and sit and pray and sing along with everyone else. during seated times, he was allowed to color. {we allow activities at church until our kids are five.} K’s expectations were like E’s when he first started. even though their expectations for quiet mouth and quiet body were different, we used the same chart.

you might be worried about loud crying in church over a lost happy face. i was too. especially with K. she has a different personality than E. to help with this i explained from the beginning that if she did not receive her happy face for one section, she had a second chance with the next section. but, if she cried or pouted, then she could lose the next happy face too. understandably, this took a few tries to be successful. despite some frustration the first week, once she saw she could recover from a lost smiley face {make sure you allow this to happen at first}, it was easy. and all worth the learning curve.

want to know what i learned through all of this? my kiddos were mostly misbehaving because they didn’t know what to expect at church. they didn’t know how much longer they would be required to be more quiet and more still than usual. the chart gave them a visual for how much church was left. knowing how much longer they needed to be stiller and quieter was just what they needed to be successful.

want the final truth? since i first shared this post, we don’t even need the chart anymore. you can find us in the very front row of church each week. now, do we still have our moments? goodness yes. but we are sitting in the front row with a six year old, a four year old, and a newborn. mostly due to this chart. i know. it seems crazy to me too.

for a handful of pez, our church chart was worth every gram of sugar and every dollar saved on antiperspirant. and here are the links for you my friend!

larger chart. you can edit this with labels of your choosing and even increase or decrease the columns based on your church service.

smaller chart. again, you can edit this as you like, changing the labels or increasing and decreasing the number of columns with normal microsoft word table actions.

{want to save this idea for later? click the red save box on the image below to pin this post. or follow notice the LITTLE things on pinterest here.}