is there one behavior you really wish your child would stop? or maybe a few behaviors? say for example whining, biting, hitting, or crying? let me start by being honest about a couple of things.

first, i am not a parenting expert. most days i feel like i need a parenting expert. my background is in teaching. i have lots of experience with all kinds of children and my masters thesis was on behavior management. teaching afforded me a lot of situations where i worked hard to help a student reduce the frequency of a negative behavior or habit. sounds fancy, huh? in my life now as a mom, that means trying to get my children to stop doing something that is annoying.

second, i am not a magician. in fact, you will often hear me saying, “you guys. i am not magic. i cannot make lunch, find your lego guy head, and change your baby’s diaper all at the same time.” but in this one instance, i might just have a little behavior magic up my sleeve.

when my son E was little, he went through a phase when he screamed, loudly and ridiculously, when he did not get his way. this was embarrassing and obviously not the way to make or keep friends {him or me}. he was young. just two. rewards are not usually my go to because most times i think my children should act a certain way because of natural consequences or because it is just the right way to be. food rewards are definitely not my usual go to. however, when you are 2, rewards are helpful in some situations and sometimes food rewards work best. small food rewards. not a happy meal every time they handle something well.

one of the only parenting books i’ve read is an older book by dr. thomas lickona called raising good children. in this case “good” refers to moral and respectful. in his book, dr. lickona says “we know that self-interest never runs stronger than it does at stage 0. so kids at this level are more likely to follow rules and requests if there’s something in it for them. (that’s true to some extent of human beings at any level, of course, but it’s especially true of kids at stage 0.) you can meet them at their level by giving them a positive incentive for obeying.” {disclaimer: i realize someone reading this might want to tell me that this book is old or has been disproven. i can’t think of any parenting book that can stand the test of time or new research. despite its age, i have found this book to be extremely helpful in understanding how to meet your children in the behavioral/moral stage they’re in, and challenge them to move into the next stage.}

when E could not stop screaming {and therefore i could not stop screaming}, the jelly bean bag idea was born. super simple. we put 5 jelly beans in a baggie in the morning. each time he screamed instead of using his words, he lost a jelly bean. alternate responses were discussed like:

• asking for help
• saying he was frustrated
• counting to five
• taking three deep breaths
• singing himself a song

at lunch, he could eat all the jelly beans he had left in his baggie. after lunch, i filled the bag with 5 new jelly beans and we started over. again, if he screamed, he lost a jelly bean. whatever was left in the bag after dinner he got to eat. the time between implementation and reward is important. a two year old cannot wait all day to earn a reward. taking away {or keeping} a jelly bean is immediate. eating them happens twice a day. that is why a bag was done both in the morning and in the afternoon.

the bag fit in my purse. i made my parents do the bag. the babysitter had to do the bag. there were no breaks from the bag. consistency is key to any behavior system, and therefore important to the magic of this jelly bean bag. i do understand that consistency is not always convenient, but neither is screaming {or whatever behavior you are hoping to extinguish}, so consistency wins.

i wish i could say this made an immediate difference in E’s screaming habit. in reality, this did not work at all for the first three days. i wanted to give up. in my frustration, i was tempted to take jelly beans away for other things. it is VERY important not to do this. this is especially hard for my husband. to watch E eating jelly beans for not screaming even though he just talked back when we asked him to clear his plate. the jelly beans need to be for one behavior at a time. talking back can be the next behavior we tackle. for now it is screaming.

after a bean is lost, it cannot be earned back because that is vague and confusing. your kiddos will learn to work the system or they will constantly question the system, reminding you that yesterday you let them earn a jelly bean back and why not today too? amidst this jelly bean bag experiment, i had to remind myself that it takes awhile for a child to catch on to a new system and to change a bad habit. if it feels like it is not working, keep going.

finally, at the end of the third day, i started to see a change. on day four, E actually had some jelly beans left in his bag at lunch and dinner. i thought he didn’t really care those first few days when he lost them all. what i realized was he just hadn’t figured out how to control himself yet. after about two weeks we no longer needed the jelly bean bag and the screaming did not come back. when he asked about the jelly beans, i told him he didn’t need them anymore. if he wanted a treat he could ask for one. otherwise, he should feel good about his good choices and we would do the bag again if i thought he needed it.

 

 

 

 

i’ve given this idea out to friends and family members numerous times. my cousin used it for sharing. my sister is using a version of it for screaming. she is doing pennies and her kids {two and a half} can use the pennies to buy small pieces of candy after meal time. we’ve used it for potty words, using kind words toward each other,  listening the first time, and most recently, reactions. based on feedback, the magic of this system depends on three things:

{1} age. i would say age two and a half is the best age to try this. that’s when i first tried it with my son. i’ve been asked if there is a point at which this no longer works. i plan on using this same basic concept as my kids get older, just with different incentives. for example, my son is six now and he loves to read before bed. i rarely let him do this so reading minutes, rather than jelly beans, would be a good incentive for him. if we were working on arguing {a real life struggle for us}, i would put a certain number of reading minutes “in his bag” in the morning. minutes would be taken away for arguing. alternate responses {instead of arguing} would be practiced like:

• yes mom
• mom, can i tell you what i think
• that’s not exactly how i would do it, but that’s a good idea

leftover minutes could be spent before bed. this extended period of time between behavior and reward {waiting all the way until bedtime instead of just until lunch and then again until dinner} is fine for a six year old. it would not be successful for a two year old.

{2} focus on one thing and alternate responses practiced. trying to take away jelly beans for numerous behaviors is just too much. it’s confusing for kids and parents. that being said, for older kids, i think some behaviors can be lumped together and therefore worked on at once.  for example, recently K needed to work on her reactions. those reactions included wailing, stomping, throwing things, and pretending like she was going to hit when faced with directions she didn’t like or things not going her way. we discussed that her reactions needed to change. it’s ok to be angry or frustrated. then you can ask for help. you cannot wail, or stomp, or throw things. so her jelly bean bag was for reactions in general. she is four and a half. this was manageable for her because she understood. we practiced asking for help. we also practiced going up to her room until she felt like she could be more in control of herself.

{3} consistency. this is probably the hardest. keep the end goal in sight. no screaming, kicking, potty words, rolling eyes, etc. is worth remembering to bring that jelly bean bag with you wherever you go. watching your kiddo lose ALL of his/her jelly beans so they can feel the disappointment of not being able to eat any, and then doing a LITTLE bit better the next day is progress. sometimes progress and your child learning how to replace negative behaviors with more positive ones, takes a few days.

does your bag always have to be jelly beans? no. pick whatever you have on hand. change it up and ask your child what is worth working for. don’t jump right in. take an afternoon to think about what this system will look like for you and for your child. be focused and consistent. one behavior at a time, you can help your children learn constructive ways to handle situations they find difficult {and regain your sanity at the same time}.

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